How To Stay Open When You Are Hurt
Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash
Whenever I’d have a fight with my partner, I hear this really screamy scared voice in my head that would say things like, He is so wrong! What a self-righteous arrogant asshole. How can he say that, who does he think he is! This is bullshit. He’s bullshitting you. Don’t let him manipulate you like this. That’s a lie! Don’t be a pushover, how can you allow that?! Step up and defend yourself! He’s crossed a boundary!
And the worst one, He doesn’t deserve your love.
Ouch.
Although in retrospect I am often able to see this voice for what it is - just my perceptions, beliefs, and conditioning - in the heat of the moment I’m not so clear, unfortunately, and believe what I hear in my own mind.
My reaction then? I close, get cold, turn away, shut myself off, and put up my tall concrete walls. I give him the silence treatment.
But then what? What does that give me?
Distance. Disconnection. Hurt. Loneliness.
Is that what I want?
No.
It’s the farthest of what I want.
What I want is connection, and love. That’s what I want. And putting up my walls, listening to my angry thoughts and creating further distance between us does not get me there.
But what do I do then? How do I stay open when I feel betrayed and hurt by another? How do I choose love anyway?
“To soften in the face of betrayal or disappointment or hurt can sometimes seem as dramatic as inviting someone who has just punched you in the gut into your home for a warm cup of tea. When we are triggered in love, this seems like an entirely impossible proposal. How when we have been hurt, or betrayed or wounded by another can we open our hearts. And the answer is - practice. We practice offering some small vulnerability in the face of our habits of hostility and closing.”
This practice is one of the hardest things to do. And mostly, so far, I have failed. But at some rare times, I have been able to do it.
I remember an evening when I had a fight with my partner. I felt attacked by him, disrespected and completely misunderstood, and I found him incredibly self-righteous and arrogant. How can he say that! How dare he! This is not what happened at all, he is so wrong!, I would think.
My reaction, whenever I feel disrespected (which is one of my strongest triggers) is to attack back. And I did. I lost my dignity, I used foul words, I was loud, I completely lost myself.
I was hurt. And I hurt back.
Classic 🙄
Then I went into the bedroom, closed the door and tried to go to sleep. I wanted that day to end and to forget about it.
Once in silence, alone in my own presence, tears would come. I felt so embarrassed, and horrible. How could I behave this way? Yes, I was not okay with how I was being treated, but surely, this was not the way to deal with this.
And even though I felt so bad about my own behavior also, I was still so angry with him and felt hard done by.
I was closed.
Then suddenly he walked into the room, tried to kiss me on the forehead and say good night. To which I looked at him like he was the worst most horrible person on this planet, turned away harshly and gave him the cold shoulder. He then said, “I just wanted to come and say good night”, but I was silent.
As soon as he left the room I was shocked again, at myself. He was the first to open. He was willing to move forward. He was trying to make it better.
And I just shut it down, ice cold.
But then I remembered Sarah’s words above, “How do you stay open in the face of hurt? You practice”.
So I got up, even though I was still so resistant and split about it. Fuck him!, I thought. And at the same time, You practice, Keiu, remember. Open.
“Do not feed the anger creating separation between souls, and spirit and self. Swallow the injustice you perceive and make a small offering of love in place of tension. Reveal one small vulnerability and watch as love comes to meet you.”
I went to him, said how cold that was I just did and we hugged. No more said, no more needed. I went to sleep and we spoke about it in a much more calm state the next morning. And although our calmer discussion got heated once again and we both “blew up” yet again, nevertheless, the way we both chose to open the night before, was magic. And progress - a step towards love.
None of us are perfect, and calm communication, even with the best intentions, can sometimes feel an impossible task.
Staying open and choosing love anyway - none of it is easy nor do most of us know how to do this.
But we can always keep on practicing. And I believe, no matter how many times I fail at this, with practice and time, I can get better at it and be able to remain calm, in dignity and open way more often as I am able to do now.
A Few Words on the Silence Treatment
Have you heard of Dr Masaru’s Rice Experiment? Watch on YouTube here. He explains how in comparison to love and hate, indifference does the greatest harm.
The silence treatment can be one of the harshest things to do and worst ways to hurt a loved one.
So, take a breather if you need to or go for a walk or run to cool down, of course. But give them something, just not the cold harsh concrete walls.
Tell them, “I am so angry right now, I need to get away and cool down”.
Or, “I don’t know how to choose love right now”.
Or, “I am feeling so hurt and need to be alone right now”.
I saw Mel Robbins speak about this subject recently too, see her Insta Post about it here. She explains how toxic and damaging this behavior is and why and how not to do it. I recommend to read it.
I would also mention that although the silence treatment can be perceived as manipulating behavior, most of us aren’t aware we are doing it. Most of us close, put up our walls and go cold and silent, not because we wish to manipulate our partners, but because we’ve been hurt and this way we sort of can go into a more numb and indifferent state, feeling as if we just don’t care anymore. We do this, not because we suddenly don’t love anymore, but because we are trying to protect ourselves from further hurt. By closing, we try and guard our vulnerability. That’s all.
So, when your partner starts giving you the cold shoulder and silence, do your best to not get angry with them and see it for what it is - their way of protecting themselves. Keep practicing offering love and staying open, and give them some space and time to find their way back to you. Because once both of you close, then you’re in trouble. As long as one of you stays open and willing, the other will find their way back too.
“May you stop choosing to close.
May you remain seated in your vulnerability.
May you remember that you are here in this place with everything you meet to experience love and it’s many faces.
May you deepen your connection with the one sitting before you.
May you realign with your intention, the reasons you are in a relationship.
May you refuse to let your fear of pain cause you to stop choosing love.
May you refuse to create distance from what you most long for.”
Have you ever been given the silence treatment? Just think how that felt. Let’s stop this damaging habit, by starting to practice choosing love and staying open, even in the face of perceived betrayal.
Sending love,
Keiu